The Ache

The past few days I have ached. Not a physical ache, but rather a deep gut ache. An aching from knowing there is a missing piece. An ache to meet our precious baby. Don't confuse the ache was anxiousness or impatience. I know that God's timing is perfect and that He will and has directed every step of this. It's the ache of an expectant mom, it's the same feeling I felt with Kahl and Max; dreaming about them, wondering what they'll look like, be like. 


The ache goes farther lately though. It's an ache that demands a response. My mind keeps going to all the other orphans out there. I think about them. I wonder about the road that God has planned for us. We know without a shadow of a doubt that this adoption isn't the destination, it's the beginning. This morning I have been thinking about what I am willing to give up. What dreams, what rights, what possessions, what mindsets I am willing to shatter. In as much as I wonder what Z will be like, I have to wonder where this journey takes us. Is it ministering to women who are dealing with unexpected pregnancies? Will it mean a foreign land? The thought makes me shutter in fear and anticipation. And it brings me back to the question again, what would I be willing to give up. 


I know so many don't understand. I know family member's don't understand this. They look at our lives and see the things we "don't have," I see the things we "do have." I see the things that are so important to us: faith, family, friends. I see an abundance, not a lack. I know that their concern comes from love, but I think in the same way our boldness in following God comes from knowing His love, and knowing His love is even greater for us than theirs. I don't think of this adoption as being a huge leap of faith, well not until I see the financial obligation breakdown; I just think of it as following each step that the Lord brings to us. Even as a type this I'm watching a report on families who have invested in the housing market for financial security... how'd that pan out. These people have incredible homes that they can't afford and that are going to lose everything.  I think of the verse in Psalms 20:7: Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Our trust is in God, that He knows the beginning from the end. We know He knows our hearts. It amazes me that some people want us to disobey that for security. The funny thing is, it's the "safety net" of security in such a prosperous country that has put almost an ignorance to accomplishing God's will in our hearts. The "American Dream" has somehow replaced walking in faith. Is there room for God's will in my "dream"? My "life plan"? My "retirement plan"? I ask these questions of myself and of you. What will I give up? What am I willing to give up to follow Christ? Would I be willing to sell it all? Give it all away?  


The ache. The ache for our baby. The ache for the journey. The ache to see what the Lord has for us.  


EVERYDAY ETERNITY from Take No Glory

I’m not going anywhere
Unless You lead the way.
I’m not living tomorrow
Unless You plan my day.
I’m not really breathing
Unless You breathe through me.
I’m not living for anything
If it’s not for eternity.

Help me live everyday
Fixed on eternity.
Help me keep pressing on
For the crown of victory

Because He Is... I will.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

He is God, the Creator of all. The One who holds the universe together. The One who holds me together. The One who will weave our baby together.

I will trust Him when I can not see the path before me. In the darkness He will be my guide. As I grope to find the next step, my hand will reach for His. Because He is. I will.

Progress and History

We have been reading Diary of an Early American Boy for our science studies this year. It is definitely a boy's sorta book. The author includes his thoughts often reflecting on society and our supposed progress. I thought I'd share two that particularly spoke to me and got me thinking.

It is not that such information is no longer known or that we have not progressed immensely in our knowledge; the pertinent fact is that the average person doesn't know such things because they arr not necessary information. A child today might say, "Why would I want to know if there is an eclipse unless I may see it?" But Benjamin Franklin observed that "knowing only what is necessary, makes living dull and marks the regression of learning."Noah couldn't see it, for it occurred on the opposite side of the earth, yet he shows more interest that the average schoolboy of today... p.74.

Another favorite excerpt:

One time a young boy visited a museum of early American things. There were ladies' bustles and men's wigs and other obsolete things. There were tremendous planes and broadaxes that appeared much too heavy for actual use. There were whole aisles of kitchen equipment and farm tools that no one would dare to use now. To the boy, it all looked very much like a neatly arranged and well-cared-for junk yard. He wasn't quite sure what was meant by the title "Americana": all he could think of was, "How dreary life must have been in those days and how unhappy the people must have been, and how glad I am that I live today instead of then."

   I am sure that whoever collected and arranged those things did so to excite admiration for the old days;  he would have been very displeased with the boy's reaction. yet I cannot blame the boy, for just as in so many museums of early Americana, the chief attraction of the pieces was made to be just old age. 

   Even now (for I was the little boy), I can feel no reverence for old age. Respect is not due older people for their age and wrinkles or gray hair; respect is due them simply for the things they have learned and the their extra years of experience.

The old-time craftsmen would have been the very first to have junked crude or obsolete things, so why should we seek them and collect them for display as examples of early America life? Indeed, there are ugly things in all ages which should be discarded and forgotten. Only the good things either the past or the present are worthy of collection.

    The good things of the past were not so often articles as they were the manner in which people lived or the things that the people thought. - from the Author's Note

W8-10: Strides

Max has always struggled with speech difficulties which have in turn made reading very frustrating. Our belief has always been that it would happen, and our desire has been not to quench his love for learning. Last year we were blessed to have an incredible woman work with him in our local school. Finally things started to make sense for him with reading. While he is no longer working with her, she provided us with the same curriculum she was using and we have used that for Language Arts this year. The past few weeks Max has taken off, it's all starting to come together and we're seeing major growth spurts. One of the difficulties of having a late reader is finding books that are at his reading level, without being babyish. The other night he pulled out his dad's bible and proceeded to begin reading it out loud, then he went and grabbed a childhood favorite, Katy and the Big Snow and proceed to read the entire thing to us on his own. AMAZING! His dad and I were so proud, and he was beaming.

I entitled this post "Strides" because that's what it feels like the past few weeks have consisted of. One of the definitions for strides is: to take a single long step, as in passing over an obstruction. It feels like as of late we've been trying desperately to scale various obstructions. This time of year is my absolute favorite, yet it is also the hardest time of year for me emotionally. I have to force myself to cling to God's word and to focus on getting out and about. There are bad days, but over time, I've learned to plow through. I'm beginning to see the clearing and focus on the upcoming holidays. Family, friends, (food), fun, and fellowship... my favorite F's. So making strides is what we've been about.. sometimes it's a lot of baby steps that help us lead up to that "single, long step," and sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and another obstruction is placed behind us.

Four Generations

I just thought I'd share some photos of my grandfather's recent visit. I was/am so blessed to have my Great-Grandfather, two Grandfathers, and Grandmother live well in to my adult life. In fact Kahli clearly remembers her Great-Great Grandfather who passed away when she was 10 or 11. My children have always had incredibly close relationships with their grandparents. I am so thankful for that and the gift that it is. As a kid I loved travelling to New Hampshire and visiting my Great-Grandfather, I remember he would always bring me to Market Basket and let me pick out treats. I remember orange juice and Thomas english muffins, and always homemade spaghetti sauce. My family down there seemed so different.. .it was so neat to be "spoiled".

My grandparents on my dad's side always lived next door and I remember the daily trek to visit my grandmother every morning. This routine continued for each of my children until we moved away. What an incredible treasure!

So, back to our recent visit, Young Gramp and his wife DJ moved to Florida a few years back and it has been wonderful getting to visit with them a couple times of year. One of my favorite photos is one I have from when Kahli was a baby of five generations: my great grandfather, grandfather, mom, me, and Kahl. When Gramp visited we did another photo, this time four generations, as "Old Gramp" is no longer with us. I love these photos, and the smiles in them. We had a wonderful time visiting at my mom's house, and then at mine. I hope you enjoy this glimpse.

Sisters

Oscar

Mom and Oscie

Gramp

Mother and Daughter

Oscar and Maizie--- they almost look like they're chatting.

W6/7: Balance Revisited

I am a horrible reality show junkie... horrible. I suppose if I had to name a guilty pleasure that would be it... well, that and Mocha-Caramel Ice Coffee from Dunkin Donuts. Together... at the same time. With a Lindt White Chocolate and Almond bar....... whoops... sorry I forgot you were here.

So... back to reality... shows. I used to love to watch Survivor and the would always have the teams come together and compete in challenges. Some were gross, like eating bugs or other super gross things. Some were thinking things, and then there were the physical challenges. One they would always have went a little like this: the contestants would all stand on giant poles in the middle of the water and balance.... and balance.... and balance. Until they slowly began to drop off like flies. Sometimes the fall would come from exhaustion, sometimes weakness, some out of pride and a feeling of safety would just give up. But then, there were always the ones who stuck it out. They would go hours and hours. You truly would feel their pain and exhaustion. You would watch as they made a slight adjustment, they just couldn't hold the position any longer. Their balance was waning and they just needed to readjust. And at that split second... that moment their balance would be just a tad bit off, and down they would go. Game over.

That's kinda how I felt the past couple of weeks. We've had family visiting, field trips (that both did and did not happen), work schedules, ministry, and sickness. School has happened between events and naps, but not the way I had hoped. This morning I sat down to fill out our plan book for this week, and I really was surprised by how well we had done through the chaos. Not everything got tackled, but a lot did.

It made me think back to my first post from week 1. I entitled it "balance." These past two weeks showed me that really, I do have things pretty well balanced, some times they scoot over to one side and get a little tippy, but somehow we manage to wiggle back to center ground. I've found myself condemning myself the past few days, and questioning progress and how to do things better. I think that sometimes that is good, but a lot of times, I think we just get into a groove of wanting to feel perfect, or wanting to keep up with Miss. XYZ. And quite frankly I think stupid hormones can wreak havoc and cause us to think everything is a mess! Reality is usually different though.

I guess my point amidst all this rambling is that over time, I think we can find that balance. It becomes second nature. I kinda like that. It comforts me. It also makes me think of what has been "my verse" for 2010. God really spoke it to me clearly this January, and I keep coming back to it. I can become overwhelmed very easily... by good things, and bad things. The thing I need to remember always, and the secret to balance I think is this:

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

 That's really what it come down to... seeking God first. So back to reality shows... yeah I know it's a lousy segway... one of the one's we love now is Wipeout. Talk about funny! I think that more exhibits my life, they get knocked down and rather than it being game over, they have to do it again... and again... and sometimes again, til they get it. That's me. That's the story of my life. But that's okay, in the words Paul:

I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:14 (NLT)

Sick Leave

For any of you who may be wondering where I've gone or maybe thought I've completely dropped the blog I thought I would give an update. It's been a crazy two weeks, most of it involving tissues... lots of tissues. So, I'll be updating soon with this weeks Rite Aid deals, and a recap of the past two weeks of homeschooling.

Shining

Going on 16 years as best friends and 12 years as Sisters-In-Laws. Love you...

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

 These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
Because

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come here to me
There's no distance in between our love

So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

Milestones: The Work of His Hands

This week marks ten years that Dane and I have been yielded to God's will for our lives and truly having Him as Lord. Our "conversion" began following the tragic death of Dane's niece. To watch the incredible, gut wrenching suffering that his sister went through is something we will never forget. It left us knowing that there had to be more than just this life. For me it was the feeling that her death couldn't be in vain, and for Dane it triggered the intense love for his children and the desire to never be separated from them. Having grown up in church and chosen to follow flesh and live in disobedience, there had been times where I would choose Christ, then walk away. I think of the parable of the sower, and can see the different soil conditions within my own heart through my late teens/early twenties. My biggest fear ten years ago was that I would walk away again and I didn't want to do that.

There have been many... MANY struggles over the past ten years. But God has proved faithful through them all. That doesn't mean we've been rescued, or removed from the trials, but He has held us through each one. Dane and I were talking a few weeks ago what it would be like if we hadn't given our lives to Christ. It was on the eve of our anniversary and my thought was that we probably would be divorced; Dane, once again going back to the thoughts of our children, wondered how their lives would be different. Oh, what a thought... what a horrible thing to imagine. I am so overwhelmed by the thought that our children our God's first. That He will look after them, that if we forsake them, He will take them up. Oh, the comfort of knowing that despite how I may blow it, they know who God is, and turn to Him for their example.

This whole post has been brought on by my reading this morning. Each day I read a Psalm (or two or three), and the Proverb that lines up with the date. For example, today is the 20th, so I read Proverbs 20. Proverbs 20:7 made me smile again today, and I realized it's because my thought immediately goes to my husband:

The righteous man walks in his integrity, His children are blessed after him.

The footnote in my bible reads:

The children of the righteous are blessed. These children see in righteous and blameless parents the model of integrity in their home.  They are encouraged by this godly example of parents who live out their faith, ad they are challenged to become wise themselves. 

I was both challenged and encouraged by the statement. I am so far off  from being viewed as righteous and blameless in my children's eyes. They see me everyday. They see my failures, they see my shortcomings... they see my sin. Hopefully though, they see Christ in me. I want to be that example, I want them to look back and to know that their mother loved the Lord with all her heart. I am reminded that we need to show that to our kids. They need to see us praying, they need to see us in the Word... they need to see us serving daily.

A few days ago Max was sitting looking at Dane's bible and he said something that made me chuckle. He said, "it's like Dad lives off of the Bible. He's always reading it." It's the absolute truth... anytime Dane sits down or has a empty moment, he has his Bible open. I have always been so challenged by the absolute craving for God's word that my husband has. It has always shocked me in a sense too, as Dane isn't someone who is always cracking open a book. I think about the change that has demonstrated to me in the past 10 years, the knowledge, the faith, the ability to lead. I think about the challenge to me it has shown. Quite frankly, up until the past year, my heart has never craved God's word. I read it, I turned to it for truth, wisdom and encouragement, but I didn't crave it. I didn't thirst for it. I always wanted the intensity that Dane had. I am amazed at the work that God has done in my husband's life.

Dane always used to comment that his testimony was nothing incredible, in fact he'd always say he didn't have a good one like me....errrr, thanks... but I think Dane's testimony has been in his life. Ten years ago, he hated crowds, he was so nervous to speak to new people. When trials hit, he panicked. I have watched my husband become completely comfortable in a group of hundreds, I watch him strike up conversations all the time with people he doesn't know. I have watched him handle with incredible strength and composure the death of both of his parents. I have watched him proclaim boldly that Jesus IS the only way. No, this isn't the man I married... he is however exactly the man God had for me and my children. I am so in awe of him, and more importantly of the God who has transformed his life, my life, OUR life.

I entitled this blog OVERWHELMED, and it is so fitting for my life. I am overwhelmed by God's incredible grace, this is not the life I was headed for years ago. This is the work of His hands. He has built the house, He has labored, He has overwhelmed me with His love, grace, and mercy. If you happen to be reading this, and don't know Him, let me know, I'd love to share with you and pray with you. He is too big to miss.

Thankfulness

There is always more than one way to look at things.

Choice #1: The same scene every morning. A lego structure in the MIDDLE of the living room for me to step over.

Choice #2: A fleeting moment called childhood. Creativity, innocence,. The blessing of being called mom. A home to get messed up.

Sometimes it's all a matter of how you look at things. Today, I will look for the blessings.

My Love Affair With Fall

Fall... Autumn... Whatever you call it, it is by far my favorite season. I think most people think of spring as the season of new beginnings, and while I agree, Autumn is definitely my season of beginnings and getting back in the groove. It is my nesting season. The time of year when I want to be home. I want to organize. I want my house to smell of cinnamon, and hazelnut coffee, and apples. I want to bake pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, and bread and soup. I want to make lists and prepare for winter. I want to pull out blankets and put on flannel jammies and sweaters. Yup, I pretty much love this time of year. So, why am I telling you this? I don't know... Why are you reading it? LOL. I guess as a precursor, a warning to a crazy amount of photos and recipes and "hominess" that may show up the next few months. Ok-- that being said, what is your favorite season? And just for chuckles what is your favorite thing to do this time of year?